You know what's fucking twisted? When I was a kid I had a pet turtle. I named it Tuttle after the bricks I used to hold the aquarium's lid shut. You heard me right. A goddam brick. Know why? My mom wouldn't let me keep it in the house(cuz you know if they get in the walls then they infestate). I knew it was a dumbass idea but I don't own the frickin' house. Tuttle stayed outside.

Well one fantastic summer morning I woke up and came out to feed Tuttle. The lid was knocked off and Tuttle was no where to be seen. Searching around in my relatively small backyard I spotted him a few feet away in the grass. Some local predator(skunks galore and a bunch of racoons) had found it's way into the aquarium. Thinkin' that he just got rattled I picked him up. I started to lift him when I'd noticed that his shell was cracked. JEEZUS H CHRIST ALMIGHTY! I could see his fucking insides moving and shit bubbling and pulsating. Fighting nasuea with tear filled eyes I began to inspect the damage. Both his front claws had been ripped right out leaving only bloody stumps that wiggled in vane attempts to regain control of the recently departed limbs. The likely attacker was trying it's hardest to get at some fresh meat. It's shell had been deeply scratched with multiple chew marks all over it. SO deep that the shell itself was bleeding. So much for protection.

I knew that thing had to die. There's no fucking veterinary clinic for ruptured turtle shells in my town so I knew I had to make it quick and painless. My mother aka mother nature wouldn't let me kill him saying it was disgusting and inhuman(again she is looking out for everyone's best interest). So I watched him suffer all day. Coudln't leave him for a second. I watched til the last bubble came out of his nose and Tuttle was no more. I cried for the rest of the day and wouldn't even talk to my mother for weeks.

I learned a valuable lesson. If you have a kid then just let him fucking keep a pet in the house, ok asshole? Spare him the mind bending afternoon of torture and mental decomposition. It's just a goddam turtle.

RIP Crapatorium

pixel-eight.com